I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
