So drunk, too bad you don't want this
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
did i walk over a car last night?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
