I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
