so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
