What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
