fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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