my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
