dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
