like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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