My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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