so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i used baking grease as lip gloss
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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