I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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