I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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