new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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