Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
