I'm so fucking centered right now
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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