when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize