Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
