you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you inspire me to be a worse person
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
