I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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