can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
