I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
