the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
