i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
