Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
