I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
