I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
