Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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