we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
