I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
