just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
