So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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