I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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