Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
