My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
