I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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