Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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