My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
