shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
