i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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