I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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