Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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