Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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