i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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