census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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