I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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