I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
