Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
