No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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