non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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