U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
