cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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