you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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