I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
