so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
