Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
