Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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