I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
