I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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