I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
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