Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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